The Spirit of Trewern

I started Year 1 thinking how scary it would be. Slowly sinking into thoughts of being alone and misunderstood. The school was a big empty hall with several corridors leading to all the classes, small cells for children. Whilst I tried to keep my glasses on, playing with them like a toy, I nervously sat alone. The other children staring at me thinking I was more alien than boy, I ignored their glances.

Miss Anthoney was my friend. She understood me and was patient. I am, or shall I say I was, full of confusing thoughts and frustrations. Words stuck in my mouth, not being able to make people hear me. Miss Anthoney knew, she always heard me, she knew I was special.

Year 3 was the hardest year. The boiling confusion and frustration was spilling out of my control. As I sat soundless, knowing all the answers but unable to say them, the annoying kids around me loud, silly, not like me, made me feel trapped in a ball full of knowledge wanting to come out but I couldn’t. As the kids continued to look at me like an unearthly being, my presence in class became less and less but I was happy. Happy being away from the chaos. My teacher didn’t understand me, she had 30 other children in class so why am I so special? Get out! Go to the headmaster’s office! Stop wasting my time! These words echo in my head. Why doesn’t she hear me like Miss Anthoney? Why doesn’t she understand me like Miss Anthoney? I miss someone seeing me.

Sadness and darkness were my friends.

I was starting year 6. In the welcome assembly the teacher stood in assembly talking about religion with animated passion, like a preacher in church. I sat smiling knowing I had Miss Anthoney teaching me once again.

Trewern was our last trip together in year 6.

 “It will be fun, you’ll get messy, and lots of activities will be done!”

Nerves, panic, scared, I didn’t want to be away from my safety, my home, my family, and be with the same kids who only saw me as not being like them, as different. All of my fears were then flushed away when it happened. This was the moment that would make all the confusion and frustration disappear. I was, I am, autistic. Miss Anthoney explained what this was, and with every example I nodded and smiled, it was like she was talking about me! Finally, I understand!

I gave my mum the permission slip for our end of year 6 trip. I mention the fun to be had, I wanted to go now, I wanted to prove to her and myself I can become the best Jaeger.

Trewern was amazing. The kids no longer looked at me strangely. I actually had fun. I no longer cared how people saw me, instead showing everyone the real me. No longer trapped in myself. No longer unable to talk, muted by my own fear and frustrations. Trewern was different to school, as I stared out into the fields, listening to the trees rustling from the gentle wind, it made me happy. It was open and wild and I was free, free from the noise of the children, and free from the stress of, well, everything. I could finally rest, breathe and enjoy the upcoming events.

At the year 6 farewell ceremony, awards were given out for achievements, from the best sports person to the most punctual. My thoughts of sadness for leaving were equal to the feeling of excitement for the next chapter. As my name was called out, Trey Keenan, I hesitated and stood with confusion. Trey receives the St Peter’s school ‘Spirit of Trewern award. I was again unable to speak, muted once more, but this time overwhelmed by pride.

This award was the perfect way to end my time at St Peter’s. There were good times, bad times and better times, but in the end, it took the patience and care of a teacher, to help the true spirit of Trey Keenan to finally be seen.

Photograph by a young storyteller.